


My words for you.

by Secretsofdreams



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 16:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18574822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secretsofdreams/pseuds/Secretsofdreams
Summary: Please only read if you have watched Endgame, contains major spoilers. This is just something I really needed to write.





	My words for you.

You were so like me, how could I not fall in love with you? Not any kind of crush or desire, but the platonic kind of love where you find a soul and think, "you're just like me."

We had so many differences, and I never went through what you did (this reality not being a Marvel movie) but in the small moments, the small things, I knew how much you were fighting. I knew the pain of a complicated father, of people who use you, who don't even try to look beyond the walls you put up. I know all about hiding in a room doing your own thing to block out the outside world, to block out not feeling enough for them. I knew your hurt because it was my hurt.

Hell, we even have the same arm that gets numb in an anxiety attack.

The difference is, you were a superhero with a heart determined to win for a better world. You were the genius who found a problem and fixed it, and I used all that as my anchor. You were the one who inspired me to keep fighting whilst I watched you fight your own battles.

When you were on that ship, leaving your message to Pepper and saying that part of the journey is the end, it felt like all the times I was in a small dark room, alone, wondering if this was the last night I'd spend on earth. I wanted you to live so that I could too, because I knew what giving up felt like.

A good therapist would tell me I was holding onto you as an example, as a coping mechanism instead of facing my own demons head on, and they'd be absolutely right, but in all honesty I wanted to hold onto you. You were the best version of everything I almost was, but failed to be because I was too tired to fight. I believed in you because I couldn't believe in myself.

Because of this, I knew I couldn't say goodbye to you.

I know your ending. I refuse to watch it because I never want to see that happen to you, and also because I'm angry. I'm angry because you deserved better after everything you went through, and also because a voice in my head is now saying that people like us, who have been through so much shit, don't get the happy endings we expected. I mean, is this it? Do we fight so hard that the only time we get peace and rest is at the end? 

I want to be angry at so many people, angry at the ones who survived when you didn't, but I know I'm not really angry at them. I'm angry because I begged the universe to let you stay so that I didn't have to fight on my own.

I'm angry because you deserved to marry the one you love and have a family and grow old, and I deserved to get to see that happen so I could believe in happy endings again.

In my heart I know it was always meant to end this way, but I don't think I'll ever accept it.

I promise I'll stay, just so I can keep you alive. I'll read a billion fanfictions and write a billion more to create a world where you got your happiness, and keep you with me until my journey ends too.

I love you Tony, always will.


End file.
